Category: Affirmations
My Near Death Experience and What I Learned About Life
Friday July 10, I was in Louisiana with my husband and son for the Manning Passing Academy. My son Nick was attending and my husband and I were making a mini vacation out of the trip. We also were traveling with friends. It was Day 2 of the academy and hot and humid. The boys were learning a lot and I was having fun checking out some historical civil war cemeteries, southern plantations, and of course, the seafood.
The evening seemed uneventful. Randy (my husband) and Nick (my son) were sleeping in the hotel room, but I was having trouble relaxing. Every time I tried to lie down, I felt filled with anxiety. Eventually, I started pacing. Then, I put on some of my waterfall relaxing music. I was still tense and it was after 1 am and starting a new day- Saturday the 11th . Then I started praying. My favorite go to prayer is the Lord’s Prayer, but instead of relaxing, I began to be filled with alarm. I felt pressure in my body, but no pain. A voice whispered in my head, “At what point do I call 911?. I thought I was having a panic attack. I woke up my hubby, and started saying over and over, “Call 911, Call 911, Call 911,” By the time he was dialing, I started saying, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.” I felt like I was drowning.
As I was going unconscious, I cried, “Somebody save me.” My last vision was seeing my arm turn purple. I wanted desperately to live, but yet I felt strangely peaceful. Everything went black and then bright white. The next memory I have, I was hot and wrapped in a cocoon. I could hear voices, but couldn’t move a muscle. I tried to open my eyes, but felt like each eyelid weighed a thousand pounds. I kept telling myself, “Open your eyes”, but I couldn’t.
Then I started thinking, “no one knows I am awake”. I felt panic. I thought, “people might think I am dead”. I heard voices around me and I tried to move my legs. I concentrated and tried to swish my legs around, but I didn’t know if they were moving or not. I thought they might be moving, but I didn’t know for sure. (Later, my husband told me my legs were moving and he thought it was restless leg syndrome. I told him, “No, that was my signal that I could hear you”.) Finally, my eyes popped open. A nurse said,”There she is.” My eyes focused on my husband and son. They looked so scared, but so relieved. I didn’t know where I was and I had something in my throat. I couldn’t talk.
I motioned for a pen. I wrote: Where am I? Did I die?.I’m hot. I was in ICU and my lungs were filled with fluid. I was on a ventilator and not breathing on my own, which is why I couldn’t talk. Suddenly, I was euphoric. I was alive. I had more time on this planet. I could see my children grow up, get married, and have kids. I would have more time with my family. I knew I wasn’t done with this life. I wrote on my clipboard. “God is good.” It didn’t even dawn on me that I was sick. Then I wrote, “I want this tube out.” The answer was no, not until the next day. I needed to be more stable. Tears stung my eyes, I wanted to talk.
I also learned that my daughters were on their way. My friends had arranged their flights and they would be in New Orleans in a few hours. The staff from the Manning camp were picking them up from the airport.
A cardiologist came to see me and started asking me strange questions like, Did I fall? Had I been exposed to radiation? Did I smoke? What health conditions did I have? The answers were No and None. I had never been on any medications nor did I have any chronic health conditions. I could tell he was puzzled. He then said, “Your heart is functioning at less than 20%, you are in heart failure which caused your lungs to fill with fluid. You could recover, but most people don’t. At the very least, you’ll leave here with a life vest that will start your heart in case it stops, after 90 days you will probably have an ICD and a pacemaker, and you could even end up on the heart transplant list.” I was stunned. But it didn’t sink in. I was still euphoric that I was alive. I thought, “I’ll think about that later.”
My daughters arrived and I was so comforted to see them. When they first got on their plane, I wasn’t awake yet, so seeing me awake and writing questions and comments was a huge relief to them. My family had to leave ICU when visiting hours were over, but they left my phone in my hands. My arms were tied to the bed so I wouldn’t pull out the breathing tube, but the nurse loosened the ties enough so I could text and email.
I messaged my parents on facebook. I said I would call them, but couldn’t talk because of the breathing tube. I asked them if they would talk in the phone when I called. I needed to hear their voices. The first three times I called, my mom hung up on me because she thought it was a prank call and they don’t have caller id. Then, I got a message back on facebook that they knew what I was doing and I should call again. I called and when my parents picked up, my dad and mom started speaking loving words to me over the phone and tears slipped down my face. A little part of my world seemed to right itself because I could connect with them even though I couldn’t speak. I filled my hours of being awake during non-visiting hours with texting, email, and facebook. I felt connected to people even though I was scared and sick.
My breathing tube came out the next day. I could talk and was so grateful even though I was still on oxygen. I was scheduled for an angiogram the next day just to make sure I didn’t have any blockages (I didn’t, my arteries were clear and good shape). The mystery of the heart failure continued. Every cardiologist asked me a barrage of questions with no answers leading to conclusions. Until, I remembered that I had a cough for 8 weeks, but had been better for a month and had even been golfing, jet skiing, swimming and fishing just days before I ended up in ICU. One of the doctors said that a virus could attack the heart and cause heart failure but they couldn’t test for every virus.
During this time in ICU, someone from the Manning Camp visited me every day. Nick returned to camp for a few practices and Peyton Manning sought him out to ask how I was doing. His kindness meant a lot to Nick. Archie Manning called my husband to let him know that we were in his prayers, too.
My husband helped piece together the missing 12 hours in my life.
Here is what happened and I still have no memory of any of this. After my husband and son called 911, I turned blue and purple and stopped breathing. The 911 operator told my husband not to do CPR and to wait for the EMT’s. When the EMT’s got to me, they drilled a hole in my leg to get medicine into my body faster and intubated me in our hotel room. Then they took me to the ER with my husband and son following the ambulance with a police escort. My son asked, “Is my mom going to die?” They were doing everything to help me. It must have been terrifying for him. He still doesn’t talk about it much. In the ER, they thought heart attack right away, but it wasn’t. They asked if I had a living will and power of attorney (that still gives me chills). My husband had to go through the process of calling family. People started praying. I learned later that thousands of people were praying. After several hours and mega medicines, my color started to come back and I was moved to ICU.
It is still an odd feeling to have a whole piece of my life missing. I was told that my stats were in the 50’s when the ambulance brought me in and that I responded to some questions and I tried to pull out the tubing. Again, I still have no memory of any of those 12 hours. Some have said it’s a blessing.
By Monday July 13, the severity of the diagnosis sunk in and it seemed like every hour I was being given a new medication with a whole list of side effects including depression. In fact, almost every medicine had a side effect of depression. I thought, “I can’t beat this illness if I am depressed.” I talked to the nurse and she brought in my hospitalist to talk with me. I told him, “If I am going to fight this, I can’t be depressed. I need to find a way to be happy and every medicine has depression as a side effect.” I asked for an antidepressant. He understood my overwhelm and I felt a bit proactive. And this was the beginning of my determination to get well. When I was alone in my room, I repeated to myself, “I want to live”. I called a dear friend who is an energy healer and she told me she saw angel’s around me working on my heart. She told me my heart would be fine. My husband believed I would get better. My parents believed I would get better. My best friends believed I would get better.
Scientifically, I wasn’t given much hope. As I started to read about heart failure, I learned statistics like 50% of people who are diagnosed with it, die in the first year after diagnosis and the average life span is 5 years (some articles said 8 to 12 years), but I was 47. I thought that something like this wasn’t supposed to happen to me for another 40 or 50 years. I decided I would start searching for stories about people who were healed from heart failure and I found a few stories. That’s what I needed to keep the belief going.
As I arrived at my discharge day from the hospital, I left with a dozen prescriptions and wearing a life vest that I could only take off when I was in the shower. I needed to find a cardiologist back home in Colorado within a week. We would stay in a hotel one night and fly home to Colorado the next day. When my husband picked up all the prescriptions from the pharmacy and we dumped the bag onto the bed in the hotel room, tears welled up. I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of medications I would be taking. I took a few deep breaths and started organizing the meds. That night, sleep was elusive because the life vest beeped every time I got comfortable. Eventually, I would learn to sleep in one position and not move at all at night.
We had a long travel day and when our flight arrived in Colorado, best friends Deanna and Craig picked our family up at the airport. I was so happy to be home after spending an extra week in Louisiana. As we walked in our house, my friends had filled the kitchen with food and a new dishwasher. Right before we left on vacation, our dishwasher quit working. It was quite a surprise to see a new one.
The first few nights that I was home, I woke up several times during the night terrified that I was going to die. It was a gut wrenching feeling. I so desperately wanted to live. I was on an emotional roller coaster alternating between peace and feeling scared to death. I would wake up in the morning feeling good, then take all my medication and sleep for several hours. One constant in my life was that I called my parents every morning at 7 am and we would lift each other up and pray. I would open my eyes to my alarm and immediately look forward to my call with my parents.
After a few days, I stopped having the nightmares about dying. I began focusing on healing. I would sit with my hand over my heart. My cat would lay on my heart and purr. I journaled about healing. I prayed for healing. I visualized myself healed. I wrote healing words. I thanked God for each new day.
My husband dropped and broke a plate. He asked, “Aren’t you mad?” I said, “No, I am happy I am alive, I don’t care about a plate.” I watched hilarious sitcoms on Netflix and stayed away from anything sad and away from all medical shows. I became thankful for things like laundry and dishes because I felt that when I did these simple things, that I was regaining strength.I was able to walk up the stairs to my bedroom without being out of breath. When I talked to people and they asked how I felt, I would say, “If I didn’t know about my diagnosis, I would just say that I feel a little tired.”
I had my moments of reverting to being scared. I remember telling my husband that if I died, he could never love anyone like he loved me. When I got scared, I would go back to the mantra, “I want to live.”
I read a little bit more about heart failure and all of the meds I was taking. I found an article about how the heart makes its own healing protein to heal itself and that there was a group in the UK who was trying to figure out how to help the heart make more of this protein. That got me excited. I started visualizing my heart making an abundance of healing protein.
I returned to working with my coaching clients and holding conference calls, sometimes from bed.
I made an appointment with my regular doctor and found a cardiologist. At my first regular doctor appointment on July 28, my medication was adjusted and cut in half. I was cleared to go to a rock concert if I walked slow and paced myself.
I had my first post ICU echo cardiogram on July 31, three weeks after I became ill. I would learn the results on August 7.
I was cautioned to not expect much at the first echo-cardiogram, most of the experts felt that I would see improvement over 90 days if I would see improvement at all.
The night before my August 7 appointment, I felt a little anxious. I wanted to see some improvement, but I also didn’t want to be disappointed. My husband drove me downtown Denver for my appointment. I wanted to go in to the appointment myself. It felt private to me.
As I met the cardiologist, she asked me what happened. I relayed the whole story of how I ended up in the ER and ICU and I also had a list of adjustments that I wanted made on my medications and a list of questions. She burst into tears and said, “Come here, I want to show you something.” She showed me my echo, and told me that my heart had returned to normal functioning. She showed me the echo from the ICU which she said showed a sick heart and then the echo from July 31 which showed normal functioning. I burst into tears and felt giddy. It was a miracle. My medication was reduced down to four meds and the dosage was cut down. I could stop wearing the life vest and send it back to the manufacturer. I could start exercising again. I could have wine occasionally. I was given my life back. I only needed a follow up in three months and after that, a yearly cardiology appointment.
I ran out to hug my husband and relay the news. I thought he was going to pass out. We called the kids, family members, and friends. It was surreal. I had prepared myself to do whatever it would take to get better and I had the surprise of my life with this miraculous healing. When I told my friend, Crystal, the energy healer, she said, “I told you so.”
God is so good.I thank God every day for the kindness of the Manning family, my friends, my family, and my community. We felt completely supported during this ordeal.
Life is so precious. I appreciate each moment and I don’t want to waste any moments on bitterness or anger. I feel like I have been given a gift of more time (we never know how long) and I also have no fear of my own death anymore. I have more chances to say, “I love you” and more chances to be love. I feel that if I can have a miraculous healing, anyone can have anything or any result that they truly desire. The power of God, the power of belief, and the power of mindset are infinite.
Dr. Sheri Kaye Hoff, PhD.
Business Coach and Author
Connecting the Pieces and Living Fulfilled
I have a new book coming out next week called Relax Into Inspired Action: Connect the Pieces, and Live Fulfilled. (Watch for the launch on April 2). In the book I share some stories of how people connect the pieces in their lives.
Over my years as a coach and my experience in training and development, I have witnessed and cultivated a process called connecting the pieces and living fulfilled.
During this process you learn to put together all of the pieces that make you feel alive and passionate in your life into a business or career where you make a meaningful difference and are well compensated for your contribution to this world.
My own Connecting the Pieces story:
My clients know me as “action Sheri”. I have owned my company since 2007, my books are available internationally, my podcast is global, and I work with my ideal clients every day. I take vacations (lots of vacations). I feel spiritually connected and happy. I golf. I read books. I hang out with friends. I am close to my husband and children and involved in their lives… But it wasn’t always this way. I didn’t always have it together. (And I don’t always have it together every minute of the day, now).
What drove me to carve out the life I live today? Pain.
My own world was shattered when I was 17 and I came home from school one day to find my younger brother after his suicide death. My identity was lost. I lost trust in everything (even God). It felt like I was on shaky ground all of the time. Our family was grief stricken. However, I did have one glimmer of light… I knew at a deep level… that I would not let this beat me. I would get up again. I would survive. I didn’t imagine ever being truly happy. I thought, if I got to OK, where I didn’t cry every day, I would be doing pretty good. I still went to college. I still went to work. I had some fantastic people in my life that lifted me up when I stumbled.
Then one day, I didn’t need to be lifted up anymore. I was on the road to getting better. I was okay.
My world shifted again when I was pregnant with my first daughter in 1994. I was on bed-rest and my mother gave me a copy of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits book. And it was the first time since my brother died, that I made the connection regarding the power of thoughts. This book set me on a path of self-discovery and personal growth. I was inspired to continue my schooling earning my Master’s and my PhD. I made it my life-long quest to discover what makes people happy and why some people are successful and other’s struggle.
I made the connection between thoughts and happiness. It was like a light bulb turned on and I realized that I could be happy if I decided to be happy. I even wrote my first book on happiness, Keys to Living Joyfully. I not only was okay, I was happy.
My early career was a hodge-podge of jobs with each one teaching me something about myself. Eventually, I moved to a career in management, and then I made the move to a career in higher education, and then training and development.
I felt, still, like I was missing something. I prayed and meditated about it. I woke up one morning in 2007 and knew I would start my own coaching and training company. I have never looked back. I had a learning curve and many challenges. It took me months to land my first client. I cried tears of frustration in the beginning. I had to learn how to market my own business which was much more challenging than sales and marketing for someone else. I had to work on my own sense of worthiness and conquer my fears, but it was exciting. It was exactly what I wanted to be doing. I thrived as I saw my clients change their lives and grow their businesses.
After a couple years of growing my company, I had another realization. I was working too many hours. There was a part of me that felt that I had to work really hard for success. I just couldn’t do it anymore, though.
I needed more balance. I dug deep, and I decided that I was going to do all of the things I really wanted to do. If that meant golfing three times a week or taking frequent vacations, I was going to do it.
My business didn’t miss a beat. In fact, it grew. When I was taking care of me and having fun, the energy of my business responded to that. I am still a queen of action, but I am relaxed about it. And I only act when I am in the inspired action state.
Every choice has a purpose. Every move is deliberate. I am deliberating creating my business and life every day.
Dr. Sheri Kaye Hoff, PhD.
Business Coach and Author
P.S. Look for the book launch next week:)
Your Most Winning Frame of Mind
Now, more than ever–it is so important that you maintain the rituals, success routines, and self-motivation that are integral to keeping you on the right track physically, emotionally and spiritually. You hear on the news that we live in uncertain times. You aren’t sure what will happen on Wall Street. You maybe aren’t sure about what is going to happen with your health insurance. All of this can create every day stress and a feeling of overwhelm.
What does this mean to you in your daily life? Instead of letting yourself get pulled into whatever is going on around you, take charge of your inner-game. Master your thought life.
Be in your most winning, successful, and determined frame of mind. Write in your journal, practice positive self-talk, exercise, and keep your heart thinking right. No matter what you face in life, face it with your best game. Love and appreciate life.
Think back over the last week. Were you distracted, mildly depressed, or even angry? These are emotions that can trigger negative and self-sabotaging behaviors. Recognize your feelings and then move on and beyond them to your own best actions and plans.
What is your favorite way to take charge and master your innergame?
In Happiness,
Happy Thanksgiving, sharing my appreciation list.
Happy Thanksgiving. We have a tradition at our house where we go around the table and have each person say what they appreciate over the past year. I thought I would share my list with you. These ten things are in random order- in fact I could put them all at number one.
1. I am thankful for my family. My husband of over 20 years, still takes my breath away. Each member of my family is unique with a different way of communicating love. I cherish our dinner conversations and keeping in touch over text, facebook and email for distant loved ones.
2. I am thankful for you. You are part of my community. And I cannot imagine my life without you. Your goals and your dreams are part of me every day. I am constantly thinking about you and how I can help.
3. I am thankful for deep life-long friendships. My life-long friends seem to just know what is going on in my head and my heart.
4. I am thankful for travel. I took 7 trips over the last 12 months. I appreciate that the opportunity was there and I stretched out of my comfort zone even having an unplanned encounter with a shark while I was in a kayak in the Bahamas.
5. I am thankful that my business has grown dramatically this year. I added the Be the Inspiration Mastermind, Optimize Your Path Member site, and the Master Your Innergame eCcourse. Working with clients in these new programs is fulfilling and meaningful.
6. I am thankful that I held a live event in my city of Parker with amazing attendees. It was one of the best two days of my entire career.
7. I am thankful my children are happy and successful.
8. I am thankful that I was able to visit many rivers, lakes and oceans; kayaking, canoeing, boating, and jet-skiing.
9. I am thankful for the terrific coaches that have gone through and are currently going through my life coaching certification program.
10. I am thankful for every day happiness.
Just typing this list, makes my heart fill with love and joy. I know when I focus on what is working, life flows and feels abundant. I would love to hear about your top ten appreciation list, too.
Business Coach Sheri Kaye Hoff 